gryphons_quill: (Default)
[personal profile] gryphons_quill

We met through miles of fragile wire and glass,
through light that sped our words, our thoughts, our dreams
in streams of bits and bytes across the dark;
though even darkness, in these latter days,
has lost its mystery. Nothing hides
from lines of data crossing in the sky.

To touch more than your thoughts, I crossed the sky
in a fragile metal shell with panes of glass,
investigating clouds, where magic hides,
where thoughts are caught and yield fragmented dreams.
Above that blanket, sunlight loved the day;
beneath it sat a damp and gloomy dark.

When first I saw your face, the smothering dark
broke, as clouds reveal a clearing sky;
I felt the weight I'd carried all my days
crack and splinter, shattering like glass.
Surrounded by the fragments of old dreams,
I felt no need (nor any wish) to hide.

In a shy and gentle smile, beauty hides
and, shining, bears a light into the dark.
By night, entwined in sleep, we shared our dreams
and on imagined wings took to the sky--
I sought to catch our love in silvered glass
to keep it safe before the light of day.

We lived our love through endless nights and days,
a radiance that convention couldn't hide.
A joy was in me, sharp as shards of glass
and all my world was bright: the muted dark
that once had leeched the sunlight from my sky
fled toward the corners of my palest dreams.

Now, remembering our secret dreams,
I carry you inside me day by day;
my winged self would gladly search the skies,
chase streams of data where old magic hides--
I'd even dive into the looming dark
to find your light in more than wire and glass.

I found you in my dreams, and there I hide
on hazy days; but you've parted the dark:
my skies are clear, as sharp as cloudless glass.


[this needs a fair amount of massaging--feel free to help!]

Date: 2007-09-01 02:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] weedblossom.livejournal.com
I like how you took something as mundane as the internet and flying in a plane and turned it into something beautiful and magical. Your words on that are sharp and flow together well. Your emotions come through loud and clear and the reader gets pulled into it with you - there's no "ho-hum" or loss of interest halfway through and the poem stays with you once you finish reading. I get what you mean with the word "data," but I would almost like to find another word for that - it seems to somehow detract from the overall beauty for me. Data is the right word, of course, for what you mean... I don't know. I can't think what another word or idea would be for "data" without LOSING data, which is essential to what you MEAN. Oh, I'm no help, am I?

It really is beautiful, and I love it. Good work!

Date: 2007-09-01 05:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
Wow. I have great taste in women. ([livejournal.com profile] thewronghands agrees with me.)

Date: 2007-09-01 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luminousx.livejournal.com
I love the repetition of glass in this poem and in context of relationships since glass in thought of mostly as transparent (a good quality in relationships in my opinion), it is fragile, and when broken can be dangerous.

This is well formed and well imagined.

Date: 2007-09-02 01:13 am (UTC)
curmudgn: (Default)
From: [personal profile] curmudgn
Line 17 scans better if it reads "In shy and gentle smiles, a beauty hides . . . " and I don't think it does violence to the sense of the statement.

Line 29--I believe you mean "leached" (washed out, diluted, taken away, as color leaching out of fabric) rather than "leeched" (sucked, as a parasite sucking blood)

The stress-shift clunks like a badly-clutched transmission in Line 38. Perhaps instead you might say "but then, you clove the dark:"

"Cloudless glass" bothers me in Line 39, but I'm having a hard time thinking of something else to suggest. "sharp as unclouded glass" preserves the scansion, but doesn't seem much clearer in sense. Maybe "sharp as a focused glass", in the sense of "glass" as "telescope."

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